March 30, 2019
Dear George Washington University Student,
Is it okay if I address you as a George Washington University student? I ask because I've just read the news that you've voted to remove and replace your mascot -- "George the Colonial." Apparently, being the 'woke' university students that you are, you find "George the Colonial," a mascot clearly inspired by your namesake, to be inappropriate and offensive in today's world. Clearly, you find George Washington to be offensive, and I certainly don't want to cause any of you any emotional distress by mentioning his name in association with your identity as a student. That would be a micro-aggression that I would absolutely feel terrible about.
I can only surmise that it's a matter of time when you will seek to rename your university. The road to social justice, however, is traveled at different speeds. So I understand why you haven't yet succeeded in making that change. I'm sure you won't let me down.
I commend you on your "wokeness." George Washington, along with "George the Colonial" is so yesterday - I mean, so 1700s. In our enlightened age, no "woke" university should have a namesake associated in any way with the sins of our past. We are, after all, above sin today. We've progressed beyond sin. Or at least "woke" university students like yourselves have. Some of us middle-aged, middle-class, everyday Americans haven't yet caught up to your progress yet. But with students like you signaling your virtues to the rest of us, we will have the needed light to follow.
Some backward-thinking, retrograde Americans will of course say things like "George the Colonial" does not represent colonialism or imperialism. They'll say things like the citizens of colonial America rebelled against imperialism - revolting against the British Empire. Don't you, for a moment, let such facts dissuade you. We know that words matter. And the word "colonial" is offensive. That is all that matters today.
Some will argue we owe a debt of gratitude to George Washington. They'll say that, in spite of Washington's sins, he nevertheless did many great things for the country -- things that we should honor him for. Don't you believe it. Don't you listen to it. Those voices can be ignored or silenced. They represent nothing more than verbal violence from a racist, sexist, homophobic patriarchy. You know better.
Others will say that George Washington grew as a person, that he ultimately came to realize slavery was wrong. This is of course true. Even many African Americans of Washington's day recognized this and hailed him as a hero for all the good he did for America. But none of that matters. George Washington didn't progress far enough or fast enough. His conscience just wasn't up to the standards of today's social justice activists -- people like you. And thank God - oh, sorry, thank Heaven - oh, I mean, thank whatever Higher Power or Entity or Belief System which doesn't offend you - that you are here today to make sure we don't make the mistake of honoring any historical figure that we shouldn't. We have you and your generation to let us know which men and women are worthy of grace, forgiveness, honor and/or gratitude - and George Washington clearly doesn't merit any of those considerations.
I look forward to your continued leadership as we march - can I use that word? It's kind of martial, maybe a little hierarchical - forward on the road to Social Justice.
Sincerely,
Brian Tubbs
p.s. Actually.... I'm not that "woke." If you voted against George Washington, do the rest of us a favor. Leave the United States of America. We're better off without you. Thanks be to God for truly courageous American heroes like George Washington - a man none of you are worthy to even mention! God bless America!
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